Ampers' Rants

Ampers' Rants

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15 Mar 2022

Why I fired my secretary

It was my 40th birthday and I really didn’t feel like waking up that morning. I managed to pull myself together and go downstairs for breakfast, hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, “Happy Birthday!”, and possibly have a small present for me. As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone “Happy Birthday.” I thought… Well, that’s marriage for you, but the kids… They will remember.

My kids came trampling down the stairs to breakfast, ate their breakfast, and didn’t say a word to me. So when I made it out of the house and started for work, I felt pretty dumpy and despondent.

As I walked into my office, my secretary Joanne said:

“Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday!” It felt a bit better knowing that at least someone remembered. I worked in a zombie like fashion until about one o’clock, when Joanne knocked on my door and said, “You know, it’s such a beautiful day outside, and it’s your Birthday, why don’t we go out for lunch, just you and me.” I said, “Thanks, Joanne, that’s the best thing I’ve heard all day. Let’s go!”

We went to lunch but not where we’d normally go. Instead she took me to a quiet bistro with a private table. We had a couple of mixed drinks and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office, Joanne said, “You know, It’s such a beautiful day… we don’t have to go right back to the office, do we?” I replied with “I suppose not. What do you have in mind?” She said, “Let’s go to my apartment, it’s just around the corner.”

After arriving at her apartment, Joanne turned to me and said, “Boss if you don’t mind, I’m going to step into the bedroom for just a moment to get out of these uncomfortable clothes. I’ll be right back.”

“OK.” I nervously replied. She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake… followed by my wife, my kids, dozens of my friends, and co-workers, all singing “Happy Birthday”.

And I just sat there…

On the couch...

With nothing on but my socks!

Two of my favourite YouTube comedy videos 

I wished I lived in one of four houses! And if you liked the Nandos advert, there's a whole lot on YouTube. 


A priceless picture

The picture tells the story far better than I can!

I can't help smiling every time I look at it, the dog's face says it all! 


A. A. A. D. D.

This serious illness tends to strike the older person - this is how it manifests itself:

I decide to wash my car. As I start towards to the garage, I notice that there is mail on the hall table. I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the bin under the table, and notice that the bin is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the rubbish first, but then I think that since I’m going to be near the postbox when I take out the rubbish anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my chequebook off the table and see that there is only one cheque left. My extra cheques are in my desk in the study, so I go to my desk where I find the can of Coke which I had been drinking. I’m going to look for my chequebook, but first I need to push the Coke aside so that I don’t accidentally knock it over.

I see that the Coke is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the fridge to keep it cold.

As I head towards the kitchen with the Coke, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye–they need to be watered.

I set the Coke down on the counter and I discover my reading glasses that I’ve been searching for all morning.

I decide I’d better put them back on my desk, but first I’m going to water the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water, and suddenly I spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table.

I realise that tonight, when we go to watch TV, we will be looking for the remote, but nobody will remember that it’s on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I’ll water the flowers.

I splash some water on the flowers, but most of it spills on the floor. So, I set the remote back down on the table, get a mop and wipe up the spill.

Then I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day; the car isn’t washed, the bills aren’t paid, there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter, the flowers aren’t watered, there is still only one cheque in my chequebook, I can’t find the remote, I can’t find my glasses, and I don’t remember what I did with the car keys.

Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I’m really baffled because I know I was busy all day long and I’m really tired. I realise this is a serious problem, and I’ll try to get some help for it, but first I’ll check my email.


Not in the distant future! 

The dangers of introducing Vaccination ID Identification Numbers.

Ordering a Pizza

Operator: Thank you for calling Pizza Hut. May I have your...

Customer: Hi, I'd like to order...

Operator: May I have your VIDN first, sir?

Customer: My Vaccination ID Number, yeah, hold on, eh, it's 602049998-55-5461.

Operator: Thank you, Mr Smith . I see you live at 1742 Meadowland Drive, and the phone number's 01494-232766. Your office number over at Lincoln Insurance is 020-7745 2302, and your cell number's 07992-662566. Which number are you calling from, sir?

Customer: Huh? I'm at home. Where did you get all this information?

Operator: We're wired into the system, sir.

Customer: (Sighs) Oh, well, I'd like to order a couple of your All-Meat Special pizzas...

Operator: I don't think that's a good idea, sir.

Customer: Whaddya mean?

Operator: Sir, your medical records indicate that you've got very high blood pressure and extremely high cholesterol. The NHS won't allow such an unhealthy choice.

Customer: What do you recommend, then?

Operator: You might try our low-fat Soybean Yogurt Pizza. I'm sure you'll like it.

Customer: What makes you think I'd like something like that?

Operator: Well, you checked out 'Gourmet Soybean Recipes' from your local library last week, sir. That's why I made the suggestion.

Customer: All right, all right. Give me two family sized ones, then... What's the damage?

Operator: That'll be enough for you, your wife and your four kids, sir. The 'damage,' as you put it, heh, heh, comes to £29.25.

Customer: Let me give you my credit card number.

Operator: I'm sorry sir, but I'm afraid you'll have to pay in cash. Your credit card balance is over it's limit.

Customer: I'll run over to the ATM and get some cash before your driver gets here.

Operator: That won't work either, sir. Your current account's overdrawn.

Customer: Never mind. Just send the pizzas. I'll have the cash ready. How long will it take?

Operator: We're running a little behind, sir. It'll be about 45 minutes, sir. If you're in a hurry, you might want to pick 'em up while you're out getting the cash, but carrying pizzas on a motorcycle can be a little awkward.

Customer: How the heck do you know I'm riding a bike?

Operator: It says here you're in arrears on your car payments, so your car got repossessed. But your Honda's paid up, so I just assumed that you'd be using it.

Customer: @#%/$@&?#!

Operator: I'd advise watching your language, sir. You've already got a July 2006 conviction for swearing at a policeman.

Customer: (Speechless)

Operator: Will there be anything else, sir?

Customer: No, nothing. oh, yeah, don't forget the two free bottles of Coke your ad says I get with the pizzas.

Operator: I'm sorry sir, but our ad's exclusionary clause prevents us from offering free soda to diabetics.


A leg stretcher, or perhaps a tail Stretcher?

A woman was flying from  Melbourne to Brisbane. unexpectedly, the plane was diverted to Sydney along the way. The flight attendant explained that there would be a delay, and if the passengers wanted to get off the aircraft the plane would re-board in 50 minutes. 

Everybody got off the plane except one lady who was blind. A man had noticed her as he walked by and could tell the lady was blind because her seeing eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of he throughout the entire flight.

He could also tell she had flown this very flight before because he saw the pilot approaching her, and calling her by name, said, 'Kathy, we are in Sydney for almost an hour, would you like to get off and stretch your legs?' The blind lady replied, 'No thanks, but maybe Max would like to stretch his.'

Picture this:

All the people in the gate area came to a complete standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with a seeing eye dog! The pilot was even wearing sunglasses!