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Thursday, 26 March 2015

Ampers' Humour: Catholic Morning Coffee

Four old Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee in St. Peters Square . The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."

The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him ‘Your Grace'."

The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone bows their head and says 'Your Eminence'."

The fourth Catholic man says very proudly, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."

Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, The four men give her a subtle, "Well....?"

She proudly replies, I have a daughter,

Thursday, 19 March 2015

Good advice to "Johnny Foreigners" from a UKIP member.

When I am about the town, and I hear all these foreign immigrants nattering away in their languages, and when I am in shops and hear them speaking pidgin English with heavy accents, it makes me feel really superior.

I think; 'they are going to have a really tough time and will never become really British unless they pull their finger out'.

I came to England in 1955 when I was fifteen. This was the end of my formal education. The first thing I did was to get a job and my weekly pay packet, before deductions was £1/5/- (£1.25 in new money). My English was atrocious, but then, it was my third language after Afrikaans and Zulu.

Apart from my job, my first action was to buy The Times (this was when it was a proper newspaper, with the “small” adverts on the front page).

Wikipedia says of the Times: On 3 May 1966 it resumed printing news on the front page - previously the front page featured small advertisements, usually of interest to the moneyed classes in British society. In 1967, members of the Astor family sold the paper to Canadian publishing magnate Roy Thomson, The Thomson Corporation merged it with The Sunday Times to form Times Newspapers Limited.

This was, in my opinion, (which hasn't changed since) the end of a great institution. The Times was no longer “The Thunderer”.

Each day, I would read the editorial, underlining words I didn't understand, until I had underlined five words. I then stopped reading and looked them up in a dictionary so I fully understood them, and then made a point of using them that day. I firmly believed a new word wasn't mine until I had used it in conversation. It was a full year before I could read the entire editorial without underlining more than a single word. In addition to this, I worked in the evenings and weekends to earn extra money and went to a speech therapist to change my guttural Afrikaans accent into a more smoother English Accent.

It must have been successful as, after this first year in England, I moved to America and people where were convinced I was English.

So my advice to Johnny Foreigner (how English I have become) is, leave your own people, mix with English people, or if that is difficult (you're married or sharing a flat with others from home) insist, at least, that you all speak English. If you have babies, and you want them to be totally bilingual, speak to them in English one day and your language the next day. That is how I learned Zulu.

Dit is goeie raad.
Lesi yiseluleko esihle.
This is good advice.


Saturday, 14 March 2015

Can you help with an exciting new project please?

I want to develop a large list of productivity apps which not only are available on an Android phone and on the iPhone, but have a website where you can enter data which will then sync with your app.

One terrific example of this is Evernote. Used by millions of mobile users.

You can either email me at or add the name of your apps in a comment below.

I will do the research and compile a list which will be useful to all of us. It will be published here.


Tuesday, 3 March 2015

Great Android database "how to" to list all your valuable items if stolen

I have found a great database for my Android phone. Alas, as it is Google Orientated, so it is not available on Apple, but I am sure someone has written something similar.

First of all, take a look at Memento’s website to see what it can do. Then read below to see how you can use it for your valuable items.

I have security cameras in my home. One on view in the hallway, and one hidden, and aimed at a valuable item. Both send photographs to my Galaxy cellphone.

If I am away from home, even as far afield as South Africa, I can see if anyone is in my home, or if they've been in and out, I can check if they have stolen that valuable item.

This is where Memento's app assists – but first how I have set it up.

On the phone I have set up a custom app, so it has my information, portrayed the way I want it. I have called it "Taylor's valuables".

Then I set up the fields, as follows.
Room – text field
Photograph – Photo field (as thumbnail)
Make – text field
Model Name – text field
Colour – text field
Model Number – text field
Present Value – Money field as GBP
When Purchased – date field (although US program it interprets I'm in the UK)
Notes – text field
SmartWater – a yes/no field