Here's a nice one sent to me by a UKIP Local Election candidate.
Retirement Bonus, Navy Style
The Ministry of Defence decided the Royal Navy had many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer in Portsmouth who volunteered for retirement a bonus of £1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body.
The officer got to choose what those two points would be.
The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of £72,000.
The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with £96,000.
The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, 'From the tip of my weenie to my testicles.'
It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider explaining about the nice big cheques the previous two officers had received. But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer.
The medical officer arrived and instructed the Chief to 'drop 'em,' which he did.
The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's weenie and began to work back.
'Dear Lord!' he suddenly exclaimed, 'Where are your testicles?'
The old Chief calmly replied, "Borneo"!
I hope you enjoyed this as much as I did.