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Friday, 17 August 2012

A little humour helps, but here's a lot!

 Golf Joke

A woman was playing golf when she took a big swing and fell.
The party waiting behind her was a group from the White House that included President Obama, who quickly stepped forward and helped her to her feet.
She thanked him and started to leave, when he said, "I'm President Obama and I hope you'll vote for me this November."
She laughed and quickly said, "I fell on my ass, not my head!"

Close Your Curtains

A woman phones her blonde neighbour and says, "Close your curtains the next time you and your husband are having sex. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday."
To which the blonde replies, "Well the joke's on all of you because I wasn't even at home yesterday."

Why I Stopped You

An elderly gentleman was pulled over on the freeway.
The officer walked up to the man’s car and asked, “Sir, do you know why I stopped you?"
"No, officer, I don't," answered the old man.
"Are you not aware that you left your wife back at the last rest stop?”
The old man replied, “Thank God, I thought I’d gone deaf!”

Deal After Death

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there is sex after death. Their biggest fear was that there was no after-life at all.
After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to his word, he made the first contact:
"Is that you, George?"
"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."
"That's wonderful! What's it like?"
"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course. I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times. Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course, then I pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to golf course again. Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much-needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again"
"Oh, George...are you in Heaven?"
"No...........I'm a Rabbit in Kansas ."

The Dead Duck

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."
The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet.
"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"
The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Test and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."

The Four Hunters

All the guys were all at a deer camp. No one wanted to room with Bob, because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.
The first guy slept with Bob and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot.
They said, "Man, what happened to you? He said, "Bob snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."
The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing, hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot.
They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful! He said, 'Man, that Bob shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night."
The third night was Fred's turn. Fred was a tanned, older cowboy, a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.
"Good morning!" he said. They couldn't believe it. They said, "Man, what happened?"
He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Bob into bed, patted him on the butt, and kissed him good night. Bob sat up and watched me all night."

God and the Pope

When Pope John Paul II got to heaven, St. Peter told him
he was lucky to be there. John Paul asked, "Why? What did I do wrong on Earth?"
"God was angry with your refusal to admit female priests," said St. Peter.
"He's mad about that?" the late Pope asked.
St. Peter replied, "She's furious!"

Old Age Divorce
A husband and wife, both in their 90s, were appearing before the divorce court judge.
The judge says to them, "I can't believe this. You're getting a divorce? I've known you all my life. How many years have you been married?"
And the husband turns to his wife and says, "eh??? What did he say?"
And his wife says, "He wants to know how long we've been married".
And the husband says, "We've been married for 72 years, judge".
So the judge says, "After all these years together, why did you decide to get divorced now?"
And the husband turns to his wife and says, "eh??? What did he say?"
And his wife says, "He wants to know why we're getting divorced now. I'll answer that, Pa.".
She turns to the judge and says, "Well, judge...we thought we'd wait until all the kids died".

Mood Rings

My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods.
We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big frickin red mark on his forehead.
Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond.

Two Guys in a Bar

Two guys are having a drink in a bar. One points at two drunks across the room and says, "that's us in 10 years."
The other replies, "That's a mirror, dumbass!"

A Couple Goes Golfing

A couple goes to a golf resort and the man gets a tee time at the local course. His wife doesn’t play but she likes to ride along on a cart and watch. Since he’s never played the course he hires a local caddy to go along with him. As the man is about to tee off on the fifth hole the caddy says, “Don’t hit it right. There’s an old barn there that will block your way to the hole.” Sure enough, the man hits it to the right and the barn is directly in his way. As they get to his ball the man says, “I guess I’ll have to hit it sideways to get back to the fairway, right? The caddy looks things over and says “Maybe not. The barn has big doors on both sides. I’ll open them and you can hit it right through.” The man decides to give it a try and when the doors are open he swings as hard as he can but unfortunately misses the opening and hits the barn. The ball bounces back like a rocket and hits his wife in the forehead and kills her.
A year later the man goes back to the same resort with his new girlfriend, who also likes to ride along in a cart while he plays golf. They go to the same course and again he gets a caddy. When they get to the fifth hole sure enough he hits it right and is behind the same barn. He tells the caddy he’s going to hit it sideways to the fairway and the caddy says, “How about if I open both doors and you try to hit it straight through?” The man looks at him and says, “Oh no, I tried that last year and do you know what happened?” “No,” says the caddy, “what?” The man looks at him and says, “I made a double bogey!”

It Could Have Been Worse

Frank always looked on the bright side. He would constantly irritate his friends with his eternal optimism. No matter how horrible the circumstance, he would always reply, "It could have been worse."
To cure him of his annoying habit, his friends decided to invent a situation so completely bad, so terrible, that even Frank could find no hope in it.
On the golf course one day, one of them said, "Frank, did you hear about Tom? He came home last night, found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both and then turned the gun on himself!"
"That`s awful," said Frank, "But it could have been worse."
"How in the hell," asked his bewildered friend, "Could it have been worse?"
"Well," replied Frank, "If it happened the night before, I`d be dead now!"

The Postman

It’s Monday morning and the postman is walking through the neighborhood on his usual route, delivering the mail. As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were still in the driveway.
His wonder was cut short by David, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer, wine and spirit bottles for the recycling bin.
"Wow David, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night,' the postman comments.
David, in obvious pain, replies 'Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had about 15 couples from around the neighborhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild. We all got very drunk and around midnight that we started playing 'WHO AM I?"
The postman thinks a moment and says, "How do you play WHO AM I?"
"Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and come out one at a time covered with a sheet with only the 'family jewels' showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is.”
The postman laughs and says, "Sounds like fun, I'm sorry I missed it."
"Probably a good thing you did," David responded. "Your name came up 7 times."

The Old Driver

A friend of a friend of mine was sitting on a lawn sunning and reading, when he was startled by a fairly late model car crashing through a hedge and coming to rest on his lawn. He helped the elderly driver out and sat him on a lawn chair.
"My goodness" he exclaimed, "you are quite old to be driving!"
"Yes" he replied," I am old enough that I don't need a license anymore, the last time I went to my doctor he examined me, and asked if I had a driving license. I told him yes and handed it to him."
He took scissors out of a drawer, cut the license into pieces and threw them in the wastebasket".
"You won't be needing this anymore", he said.
"So I thanked him and left."

Pack Your Bags

A woman was going to Los Angeles from New York City for an extended stay. With permission from the airline was permitted to bring five pieces of luggage.
As the clerk was starting to take the luggage, the woman says, "I would like you to send the first bag to Miami, the second bag to Chicago, the third bag to Dallas, the fourth bag to Phoenix and the fifth bag to Seattle."
The clerk says looks at her for a second, then types a few things in his computer, then looks back at the women and says, "I'm sorry, we can't do that!"
The woman says, "Well why not? You guys did it last time without me even asking!"

Two Twins One Boat

Joe and John were identical twins. Joe owned an old, dilapidated boat and kept pretty much to himself. One day, he rented out his boat to a group of out-of-staters who promptly sank it. Joe spent all day trying to salvage as much stuff as he could and was out of touch all that day and most of the evening.
Unbeknownst to him, his brother John's wife died suddenly that day. When Joe got back on shore, he went to town to pick up a few things at the grocery. A kind old woman there mistook him for John and said: "I'm so sorry for your loss. You must feel terrible."
"Hell no!" Joe replied. "Fact is, I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like old, dead fish. She was always holding water. She had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front, too. Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy. I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to those four guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn't very good and she smelled bad, but they wanted her anyway. Those idiots tried to get in her all at one time and she split right up the middle."
The old woman fainted.

Raisin Bread

A bakery owner hires a young female shop assistant who likes to wear very short skirts and thong panties. One day a young man enters the store, and upon noticing her short skirt and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea. "I'd like some raisin bread please!” the man says.
The shop assistant climbs up the ladder to reach the raisin bread located on the very top shelf.
The man standing almost directly beneath her is provided with an excellent view, just as he thought. When she descends the ladder, he decides that he would really like two loaves.
After she retrieves the second loaf of bread and descends the ladder, one of the other male customers notices what's going on and requests his own loaf of raisin bread.
After many trips she is tired and irritated and begins to wonder, "Why the unusual interest in the raisin bread?"
Atop the ladder one more time, she looks down and notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd.
Thinking that she can save herself another trip, she yells at the elderly man,
"Is it raisin for you too?"
"No," stammers the old man, "but it's quivering a little."

The Facelift

A woman decided to have a facelift for her 50th birthday. She spent $15,000 and felt pretty good about the results. On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, 'I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am
'About 32,' is the reply.'
'Nope! I'm exactly 50,' the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question.
The girl replies, 'I'd guess about 29.'
The woman replies with a big smile, 'Nope, I'm 50.'
Now she's feeling really good about herself.. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.
The clerk responds, 'Oh, I'd say 30.'
Again she proudly responds, 'I'm 50, but thank you!'
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.
He replies, 'Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are.'
They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her. She finally blurts out, 'What the hell, go ahead.'
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.
After a couple of minutes of this, she says, 'Okay, okay....How old am I?'
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, 'Madam, you are 50.'
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, 'That was incredible, how could you tell?'
The old man says, 'Promise you won't get mad?'
'I promise I won't' she says.
'I was behind you at McDonalds."

Need a Push

A few months ago, in the middle of the night my doorbell rings. I schlep down the stairs and open the door to find some guy there who was obviously drunk. He says to me "can you give me a push"? Of course, being the people person that I am, I said "Dude, it's 3:00am, and it's raining".
So I slammed the door in his face and went back up the stairs. My wife asked who it was and I told her. She scolded me, saying "don't you remember that time we broke down and someone helped us? You need to get down those stairs and help that poor man."
I said "Dude, it's 3:00am, and it's raining" Of course I went back down the stairs.
I opened the front door and didn't see him, so I called out "Hey, are you still here"? I heard him answer "yes". So I called out "do you still need a push"? He answered "yes". I called out "Where are you?"
He said "Over here. On the swing."

Toast of the Night

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me Life, between the legs of me wife !"
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of The night."
She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."
"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street Corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been in there twice in the last four years. "
Once I had to pull him by the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell asleep."

Polish Poles

There was a small phone company in Wisconsin many years ago that was going to hire one team of telephone pole installers, and the boss had to choose between a team of two Norwegian guys and a team of two Polish guys.
So the boss met with both teams and said, "Here's what we'll do. Each team will be installing poles out on the new road for a day. The team that installs the most phone poles gets the job."
Both teams headed right out. At end of the shift the Norwegian guys, came back, and the boss asked them how many they had installed.
They said that it was tough going, but they'd put in twelve.
Forty-five minutes later the Polish guys came back in, and they were totally exhausted.
The boss asked, "Well, how many poles did you guys install?"
The team leader, wiped his brow and sighed, "Tosh and me, we got three in."
The boss gasped, "Three? Those two Norwegian guys put in twelve!"
"Yeah," said Tosh, "but you should see how much they left stickin' out of the ground."

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