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Wednesday, 25 May 2011

Some funnies from Indiana Larry (our man in Indiana)·

Occasionally, very occasionally, I like to add a few light-hearted jokes to cheer my readers up, some old, some new, but all reflect my sense of humour. I hope you will also enjoy them.

If you send in any jokes, remember, I prefer descriptive adjectives to cusswords unless the cussword is really part of the funny!
Irish Internal Revenue

A man owned a small farm in Ireland. The Irish Internal Revenue determined he was not paying proper wages to his staff and sent an investigator out to interview him.

"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them!", demanded the investigator.

"Well," replied the farmer, "there's my farm hand who's been with me for three years. I pay him 150 a week plus free room and board.

"The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her 100 per week plus free room and board."

"Then there's the halfwit. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about 25 a week. He pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of whiskey every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally."
"That's the guy I want to talk to...the halfwit!" said the agent.

"That would be me," replied the farmer.

The New Pill
A lady goes to the doctor and complains her husband is losing interest in sex. He gives her a pill but warns her that it's still experimental. He tells her to slip it in his mashed potatoes at dinner.
At dinner that night, she does just that. 

About a week later she's back at the doctor and tells him,

"The pill worked great! I put it in his mashed potatoes like you said. It wasn't five minutes later that he jumped up, pushed all the food and dishes to the floor, grabbed me, ripped off all my clothes and ravaged me right there on the table." 

The doctor says, "Oh dear, I'm sorry, we didn't realize the pill 
was that strong. The foundation will be glad to pay for any damages." 

The lady replied, "That's very kind, but I don't think the restaurant will let us back in anyway."

Awful Lunch
An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.

They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, 'Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building.'

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, 'Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too.'
The blonde opened his lunch and said, ' Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too.'
The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death.
The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.
The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.
At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, 'If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!'
The Mexican's wife also wept and said, 'I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much.'
Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife said, 'Don't look at me. The idiot made his own lunch.'

Call From a Wife
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. 
A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the 
hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen

"Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

 asked the woman on the other end.

The woman continues, "I am at the shops now and found this 
beautiful leather coat. It's a little pricey at $2,000 
but I really love it. Is it okay if I buy it?"

The man replies, "Two thousand seems like a lot for a leather 
coat but, sure, go ahead and get if you like it that much."

"I also stopped by the Lexus dealership 
and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked," said the woman.

"How much is the car?"

"$90,000,” said the woman.

"A Lexus for $90,000?” said the man. “OK, but for that price 
I want it with every possible option."
"Great!” exclaimed the woman. “Oh, and one more thing... the house 
I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $980,000."

"Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of $900,000. 
They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra $80 thousand 
if it's really a pretty good deal."

"Okay,” said the woman. “I'll see you later! I love you so much!"
"Bye! I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at 
him in astonishment, mouths agape. He turns and asks, "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

The Even Trade
A preacher was making his rounds on a bicycle, when he came upon a young boy trying to sell a lawn mower. "How much do you want for the mower?" asked the preacher. "I just want enough money to go out and buy me a bicycle." said the boy.

After a moment of consideration, the preacher asked, "Will you take my bike in trade for it?" The boy asked if he could try it out first. He told the preacher he hadn't ridden a bicycle in a long time and wasn't sure he remembered how to ride one.

The preacher told him, "Just keep trying. It'll come back to you." After riding the bike around a little while, the boy said, "Mister, you've got yourself a deal."
The preacher took the mower and began to crank it. He pulled on the rope a few times with no response from the mower. The preacher called the youngster over and said, "I can't get this mower to start." The boy said, "That's because you have to cuss at it to get it started."
The preacher said, "I can't cuss. It's been so long since I became a Christian that I don't even remember how to cuss."
The little boy looked at him happily and said, "You just keep pulling on that rope. It'll come back to you. 

The Man's Wife 
This guy was sitting at home alone when he heard a knock on the front door. There were two sheriffs there. He asked them if there was a problem. One of the sheriffs asked if he was married and if he could see a picture of his wife. The guy says "sure " and shows him a picture of his wife.
The sheriff says, "I sorry sir, but it looks like your wife's been hit by a truck."
The guy says, " I know, but she has a great personality, and is a good cook too."

The DEA Agent
A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas , and talked with an old rancher. He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."

The rancher said, "Okay, but don't go in that field over there.....", as he pointed out the location
The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me!"

Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher.
"See this badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land!! No questions asked or answers given!! Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?!!"
The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores.
A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull.
With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety
The officer was clearly terrified.
The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs, “Your badge, show him the badge!”

The Leg Injury
"How did it happen?" the doctor asked the middle-aged farmhand as he set the man's broken leg.

"Well, doc, 25 years ago..."

"Never mind the past! Tell me how you broke your leg this morning."
"Like I was saying... 25 years ago, when I first started working on the farm, that night, right after I'd gone to bed, the farmer's beautiful daughter came into my room. She asked me if there was anything I wanted.
I said, "No, everything is fine."
"Are you sure?" she asked.
"I'm sure," I said.
"Isn't there anything I can do for you?" she wanted to know.
"I reckon not," I replied.
"Excuse me," said the doctor, "What the hell does this story have to do with your broken leg?"
"Well, this morning," the farmhand explained, "when it dawned on me what she meant, I fell off the roof!" 

The Murder
A respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed,
"Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail. All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.


The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

The Burglars
My house was broken into last night by two robbers who locked me in the bathroom, and proceeded to steal all they could carry.
My watchdog, "Killer", did not alert me, and for this reason I am giving him away. I no longer want a dog - I´m installing an electric fence and detection devices with alarms. They´re cheaper and more reliable.
For those interested in adopting the dog please send an e-mail urgently.
A photo of "Killer" is attached below.
He does have a few problems but with help he should be OK!!

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