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Tuesday, 16 August 2011

Ingleesh as she is spoken - our way of confusing our enemies!

You think English is easy?
 
This rather long email arrived in my mailbox this morning and I thought it might be of interest to both readers whose native language is English, but even of more interest to those whose native language isn't English.

1) The bandage was 
wound around the wound.

2) The farm was used to 
produce produce.

3) The dump was so full that it had to 
refuse more refuse.

4) We must 
polish the Polish furniture.

5) He could 
lead if he would get the lead out.

6) The soldier decided to 
desert his dessert in the desert.

7) Since there is no time like the 
present, he thought it was time to present the present.

8) A 
bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

9) When shot at, the 
dove dove into the bushes.

10) I did not 
object to the object.

11) The insurance was 
invalid for the invalid.

12) There was a 
row among the oarsmen about how to row.

13) They were too 
close to the door to close it.

14) The buck 
does funny things when the does are present.

15) A seamstress and a 
sewer fell down into a sewer line.

16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his 
sow to sow.

17) The 
wind was too strong to wind the sail.

18) Upon seeing the 
tear in the painting I shed a tear..

19) I had to 
subject the subject to a series of tests.

20) How can I 
intimate this to my most intimate friend?

Let's face it - English is a crazy language.


There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple.

English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France . Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.

We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig..

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?

If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices?

Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? 

Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on. 

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all. That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.

PS. - Why doesn't 'Buick' rhyme with 'quick' ? 

You lovers of the English language might enjoy this .

There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that is 'UP.' 

It's easy to understand UPmeaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP ? 
At a meeting, why does a topic come UP?
Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report?
We call UP our friends.
And we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver; we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen.
We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car.
At other times the little word has real special meaning..
People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses.
To be dressed is one thing, but to be dressed UP is special..
A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP.
We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night.
 
We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP!
To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UPlook the word UP in the dictionary.
In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4th of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions.
If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used.
It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UPyou may wind UP with a hundred or more.
When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP.
When the sun comes out we say it is clearingUP.
 
When it rains, it wets the earth and often messes things UP.
 
When it doesn't rain for awhile, things dry UP.

One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it 
UP,
for now my time is UP,
so........it is time to shut UP!
Ampers

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