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Thursday, 26 March 2015

Ampers' Humour: Catholic Morning Coffee

Four old Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee in St. Peters Square . The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."

The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him ‘Your Grace'."

The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone bows their head and says 'Your Eminence'."

The fourth Catholic man says very proudly, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."

Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, The four men give her a subtle, "Well....?"

She proudly replies, I have a daughter,

Thursday, 19 March 2015

Good advice to "Johnny Foreigners" from a UKIP member.

When I am about the town, and I hear all these foreign immigrants nattering away in their languages, and when I am in shops and hear them speaking pidgin English with heavy accents, it makes me feel really superior.

I think; 'they are going to have a really tough time and will never become really British unless they pull their finger out'.

I came to England in 1955 when I was fifteen. This was the end of my formal education. The first thing I did was to get a job and my weekly pay packet, before deductions was £1/5/- (£1.25 in new money). My English was atrocious, but then, it was my third language after Afrikaans and Zulu.

Apart from my job, my first action was to buy The Times (this was when it was a proper newspaper, with the “small” adverts on the front page).

Wikipedia says of the Times: On 3 May 1966 it resumed printing news on the front page - previously the front page featured small advertisements, usually of interest to the moneyed classes in British society. In 1967, members of the Astor family sold the paper to Canadian publishing magnate Roy Thomson, The Thomson Corporation merged it with The Sunday Times to form Times Newspapers Limited.

This was, in my opinion, (which hasn't changed since) the end of a great institution. The Times was no longer “The Thunderer”.

Each day, I would read the editorial, underlining words I didn't understand, until I had underlined five words. I then stopped reading and looked them up in a dictionary so I fully understood them, and then made a point of using them that day. I firmly believed a new word wasn't mine until I had used it in conversation. It was a full year before I could read the entire editorial without underlining more than a single word. In addition to this, I worked in the evenings and weekends to earn extra money and went to a speech therapist to change my guttural Afrikaans accent into a more smoother English Accent.

It must have been successful as, after this first year in England, I moved to America and people where were convinced I was English.

So my advice to Johnny Foreigner (how English I have become) is, leave your own people, mix with English people, or if that is difficult (you're married or sharing a flat with others from home) insist, at least, that you all speak English. If you have babies, and you want them to be totally bilingual, speak to them in English one day and your language the next day. That is how I learned Zulu.

Dit is goeie raad.
Lesi yiseluleko esihle.
This is good advice.


Saturday, 14 March 2015

Can you help with an exciting new project please?

I want to develop a large list of productivity apps which not only are available on an Android phone and on the iPhone, but have a website where you can enter data which will then sync with your app.

One terrific example of this is Evernote. Used by millions of mobile users.

You can either email me at or add the name of your apps in a comment below.

I will do the research and compile a list which will be useful to all of us. It will be published here.


Tuesday, 3 March 2015

Great Android database "how to" to list all your valuable items if stolen

I have found a great database for my Android phone. Alas, as it is Google Orientated, so it is not available on Apple, but I am sure someone has written something similar.

First of all, take a look at Memento’s website to see what it can do. Then read below to see how you can use it for your valuable items.

I have security cameras in my home. One on view in the hallway, and one hidden, and aimed at a valuable item. Both send photographs to my Galaxy cellphone.

If I am away from home, even as far afield as South Africa, I can see if anyone is in my home, or if they've been in and out, I can check if they have stolen that valuable item.

This is where Memento's app assists – but first how I have set it up.

On the phone I have set up a custom app, so it has my information, portrayed the way I want it. I have called it "Taylor's valuables".

Then I set up the fields, as follows.
Room – text field
Photograph – Photo field (as thumbnail)
Make – text field
Model Name – text field
Colour – text field
Model Number – text field
Present Value – Money field as GBP
When Purchased – date field (although US program it interprets I'm in the UK)
Notes – text field
SmartWater – a yes/no field

Friday, 27 February 2015

Forgive me, I'm feeling nostalgic and a little homesick at the moment.

I hope you can enjoy the electric atmosphere though.


Is there a good argument for reducing our MPs to 325? This proves there is!

For the purpose of this article, we won't discuss the upper houses in each country, which are:

535 members in the USA Congress (Upper House).
790 members in the UK House of Lords (Upper House).

Neither will we go into the totals of both houses of each country, which are:

Members of both houses in the USA total 970 members.
Members of both houses in the UK total 1,440 members.

Let's just examine the lower houses of each country (which is where the main work of parliament takes place).

The USA House of Representatives (Lower House) has 435 members which look after 318,900,000 people over an area of 3,800,000 square miles. If we divide these figures by their members we get an average of 87,356 sq miles and 733.103 people per Representative

UK House of Commons (Lower House) has 650 MPs which looks after 64,100,000 people over an area of 93,800 square miles.  If we divide these figures by their members we get an average of 144 sq miles and 98,615 people per MP.

Let us now try and compare each country for the purpose of trying to find out which is more efficient:

If the UK MPs covered the same distances as their American counterparts, we would have 40.5 MPs. (John Bercow for the point five?)

If the UK MPs covered the same number of people as their American counterparts, we would have 5 MPs.

Sunday, 22 February 2015

How to change your life for the better, just for a one off payment of £7.07

This applies, not only for business, but in many cases for your home life as well. David Allen has certainly set the world alight with his efficiency system. To have him come and help you - he spends whole weekends helping captains of industry get sorted, at sums which would make your eyes water.

Fortunately for many of us, he has set out his ideas in a book. Amazon UK have his book "Getting Things Done" for only £4.68 in Kindle format or £9.79 if you'd prefer the paperback - I have purchased both. He goes into the theory pretty deeply before he comes to the nitty-gritty, but without his lead-in, the full description wouldn't be of much help. Since finishing the book, I have totally re-organised my home office rebuilt my four drawer filing system from scratch, and thrown out a ton of "clutter".

There are many apps in the market place which try to handle @GTD (Getting Things Done) but many just don't do it for me, they are mostly over complicated, and take up too much time.

A GTD app I really like is Chaos Control. It has nice clean lines and is very easy to work with. It is in its early stage but the writer says that, although he has lots of plans for it, he intends to K.I.S.S. (which stands for Keep It Simple, Stupid).

One notebook app I have been using has been Evernote. I used it just to keep snippets of information but never really rated the software.

This all changed when I read Steve Scott's book, "Master Evernote". Quite frankly, the book astonished me. I had never realised the power of the program until I read his book.

However, you would be very much advised to get your manual system set up as David Allan suggests before looking at Evernote. I didn't and after I set up all the stacks, folders and tags, found I had done them all incorrectly, and had to start all over again. Take my advice and master the manual system first.

Friday, 20 February 2015

My Threexxx Four favourite historic put-downs.

And, they were all made by one man!
Lady Astor to Winston Churchill; "Winston, if I were your wife, I’d put poison in your coffee." "Nancy," Churchill replied; "if I were your husband, I’d drink it." 
One of the Prime Minister's bodyguards confirmed this exchange was with Bessie Braddock: Bessie to Winston; "Winston, you are drunk, exceedingly drunk". Winston replied; "And, you are ugly, my dear, exceedingly ugly, but, in the morning, I shall be sober." 
Finally, there was this exchange by telegram with George Bernard Shaw: GBS: Tickets at door for my first night, bring a friend, if you have one."WSC: Can't make first night, will come second night, if there is one."
I typed these, in no particular order, which one do you prefer, and do you know any other famous put-downs in history? Here's another to start you off:
Duke of Wellington: "We have always been, we are, and I hope we always will be... detested by the French."

Monday, 16 February 2015

Why does it take so long in the UK?

I'm referring to our builders and building companies, and also to the short sightedness of the people commissioning these people to build.

Take the Empire State building in New York as an example.

17th March 1930 - Construction begins, the framework for this magnicent building rises at 4.5 floors a week.

1st May 1931 - This 103 storey building is opened, by President Hoover turning on all the buildings lights from Washington.

Wednesday, 11 February 2015

Ampers' Humour: How to get rich, in one easy lesson!

A lovely story...
A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two... large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a £20 note fell out onto the pavement.

Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are £20 notes falling out of that bag."

"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer.
"Well, now, not so fast,"said the cop. Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"

Saturday, 31 January 2015

How to get Amazon next day courier service completely free.

You can get Amazon Prime, which normally costs £79 per annum, completely free if you are a regular Amazon customer.

You get unlimited one-day delivery on over 7 million items, and courier costs can be quite expensive.

In addition, there is unlimited photo storage in Amazon Cloud Drive. I am an avid photographer, and my pictures are now in their thousands.

I'm not into videos too much so I don't take so much advantage of the unlimited instant streaming of more than 15,000 titles with Prime Instant Video. In the last month, I have watched about two.

Friday, 30 January 2015

How the Internet began - an oldie but still humorous!

In ancient Israel , it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a healthy young wife by the name of Dorothy.

Dot Com was a comely woman, large of breast, broad of shoulder and long of leg.

Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.

And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?"

Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, dear?"

Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply telling you who hath the best price. The sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums.

The drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his tent.

Thursday, 29 January 2015

Here are 100 great reasons to vote UKIP

List first published by UKIP on the 27th January 2015

My favourite items, one from each block of ten, are marked in bold. They may not seem the most important, but I am thinking "long term" for the greater good of our country. This was extremely difficult to do, so I will welcome any critisms in the comments below


1. Get Britain out of the European Union
2. Get control of immigration with an Australian-style, points-based immigration system
3. £3bn more, annually, into our NHS which desperately needs it
4. Scrap tuition fees for students studying Science, Tech, Engineering, Maths, or Medical degrees
5. Pay greater attention to elderly care across the country
6. Cutting £9bn from our foreign aid budget
7. Give the people the ability to “recall” their MPs, without parliamentary or MP approval
8. Stopping our endless, foreign wars
9. Promoting a British identity, a93. Enrolling unemployed benefits claimants into workfare or community schemes
17. Cutting the same bureaucracy that hinders small businesses and entrepreneurss opposed to failed multiculturalism
10. Allowing existing schools to become grammar schools

11. Ending PFI privatisation of the NHS, proliferated by Labour and the Tories
12. Ensuring our armed services are properly equipped for when we do need them
13. Establishing a Veteran’s Administration to look after those who looked after us
14. Encouraging inward investment with growth markets, not JUST the failing Eurozone
15. Overcoming the unfairness of MPs from devolved nations voting on English laws
16. Cutting bureaucracy, red tape, and wasteful spending from government departments
17. Cutting the same bureaucracy that hinders small businesses and entrepreneurs
18. Supporting our farmers with a Single Farm Payment Scheme
19. Ending the burdensome “green levies” that have added £000s to our energy bills
20. Scrapping the poorly planned HS2 project, saving up to £50bn

Monday, 26 January 2015

Photographers and their software.

This article is aimed at the amateur photographer who takes and saves a lot of photographs and wants a simple, inexpensive way to catalogue and manipulate their pictures.

There are two specific programs you need. One to catalogue all your photographs, tagging them, manipulation of them, and saving them in soft folders so you can instantly lay your hands on them in the future. The other for more serious work on the ones you want to sell, or give to friends.

There are two routes to go. Commercial Software and the OpenSource route.

On the Commercial side, there is the brilliant Adobe Lightroom. This will catalogue and allow you to tart up your photographs. The software retails for £109.99. To be honest, this is a fair price for an exceptional program. Then there is Adobe Photoshop, which comes in various flavours and various prices. The main program, Adobe Photoshop CS6 for Windows, is £699.00 although you can buy Photoshop Elements for beginners a lot cheaper.

These programs are available on Windows and the Mac but not on Linux.

The following are free OpenSource programs, available on Windows, the Mac and Linux. As they are free, it is very advisable to purchase books on them as there is no manual, other than help files, with the software. More on the books later.

Tuesday, 13 January 2015

What is really happening in the world today.

Nigel Farage v The New World Order (NWO).

But, before I publish the article, I thought you might prefer to read it in situ from the original blog page.

Please give this blog half hour. Dont judge a book by its cover. It will open your eyes

This year I voted for the first time ever and I voted for UKIP. I’ve never voted before because I firmly believe all the parties are the same, and if less and less people vote eventually non voters will out number voters. This is the case right now and if a party ever emerged with a leader that was truly different who actually had the peoples interest at heart then everyone who thought like me could vote for them and boom! We would have changed history.

I believe that party to be UKIP and the leader of that party to be Nigel Farage and here is why. Bear with me, it’s a long journey. My journey started when I watched the second plane slam into the twin towers and I began to question why.

There is a much bigger situation at play here which 99% of people don’t have a clue about but, it is very important that people understand. All the information is there, you know it all ready, it’s on the TV and in the newspapers but you don’t know it’s all connected. I’m going to help you join the dots.


Thursday, 11 December 2014

Are you constantly blaming the wrong people?

Unfortunately, most folk don't look beyond their nose to apportion blame.

Immigration for example. It is totally unfair to blame Europeans coming here looking for work. Can you really blame them, especially since they are allowed by not only our almost entire Parliament, but by the EU Commissioners as well.

Take belonging to the EU for example. Don't be hoodwinked by the “great Common Market lie”! Why, when Edward Heath was interviewed on television – after the Common Market had morphed into the European Union – he was asked this question: “Did you know the Common Market was the forerunner to a political union”? His very words in answer was: Yes, of course I bloody did”!

Political Correctness? Not at the Tower of London!

Do not watch this if you are Politically Correct as you will be sorely offended.

William "Bill" Callaghan is a Yeoman Warder at HM Tower of London and became famous after this video was taken.  

His sarcastic and dry style is very unpolitically correct and jovially mocks everyone from the Royal Marines, French, Elderly and Hollywood actor Mel Gibson. 

You won't like: "History is nearly always written by the people who win. This explains all the empty pages in the French history books." if you are French, and Italians may be up in arms over one particular sentence!

But I thoroughly enjoyed it and don't mind hanging my colours to the mast!


Flawless Male Logic at its best ........

Do you drink beer?


How many beers a day?

Usually about 3

How much do you pay per beer?


And how long have you been drinking?

About 30 years, I suppose

So a beer costs £3 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at £270.

In one year, it would be approximately £3,240 correct?

Tuesday, 9 December 2014

A free website with no hidden gotchas

I have just built a website using Google Sites. It is at and took me only two hours to build the framework and a few of the initial pages. Naturally one expects it to take longer writing the material on the website, proof-reading it, and correcting it before loading it to the page.

However, for a seventy-five year old, a couple of hours is something to be proud of.

There could be a cost, however. I don't like the long Google Sites' name, so went to my domain holder at 123 Reg and purchased – .uk is a new domain head, and is shorter than I subscribe to the old marketing adage of K.I.S.S. (keep it simple, stupid). The shorter your name, the better.

The cost for my new name for two years? Circa £7.

Whilst we are talking about marketing, there is another adage I respect. The seven P's which are as follows:

Thursday, 27 November 2014

You don't have to be a bum. Get out of your comfort zone!

There are rich people and there are poor people. The poor people aren't stupid, they just haven't reached their true potential. They differ as Conservatives to Socialists. Those that say, “Yes, I can do it” and those that say, “No I can't possibly”.

One of the more debilitating reasons for not progressing is remaining in your “comfort zone”. Unless you stretch yourself and leave this zone, you will have very little chance of bettering yourself.

When I was in the army, right at the beginning, when we had to fill in huge questionnaires to see where our leanings were, I met this guy who was a dustman (now termed a refuse collector) in civvy street. After his questionnaire and tests, they sent him on a nine month electronics course. I kept in touch with him and found he travelled the world, repairing cypher machines at our embassies.

When I was a district surveyor (salesman) for Rentokil, I thought one of the servicemen, who put down the poisons to kill rats, mice and cockroaches, could do better for himself. So I took him under my wing and helped him learn about selling. He became a salesman, then went out to the Middle East and sold luxury yachts, then rose to become a sales manager, and finally married his long time girlfriend. A nice upper-class girl whose parents wouldn't entertain John but changed their mind when they saw how he had bettered himself.

Both these guys moved well out of their comfort zones. And, in doing so, became successful.